smoke

Haven’t seen you around

Since I’ve heard you moved out from town

But I still seek to every face that looks like you

Trying to find a way to feel better about myself

Cause I can’t stop blaming you for all the things you never did

Somehow got to me and changed

Everything in my life, from the way I sing to the way I kiss

I dedicate myself to deny you and your eyes

The ones I stared at so many times

And read the bad in you

From your mouth I drank the poison and spit it out

It caused an ache in my heart

And the smoke u left went into the dark

Hello/Hola

Since my last post, I returned to Venezuela, my home country. Before getting back here, I took the decision to go back to Boston to start a new chapter of my life, or better, to continue the one I left there. In a way, I'm glad I came back to my parents' house, because I feel it gives me some much needed stability after moving 5 times in two years. Now I'm back to where my life started, but it's not the life I chose, so that's why I've been working really hard to get my papers together to apply to different universities and hopefully get accepted. That would be where my real life will start.

I don't know if I told you, but I met a guy named Dave. He's probably the sweetest guy I've ever met. I like him and I want to see him again. I don't know if that's gonna happen, but I'm sure I want to try something with him. Some friends say that if that happens, I will get bored and dump him. Who knows? He's been on my mind everyday so far. I know it sounds crazy, but I haven't met anyone I like so much as I like him. He never writes me, though. I wish he did, but I'm patient. In the wise words of Lauryn Hill "what it meants to be will be"

I know I contanstly talk about changes. Life goes on, and after coming back home, I've got a different perspective of life. I haven't had sex in three months (a record), since I don't enjoy random sex and hook ups anymore. Dave wasn't the last one, but he was the last I really enjoyed, since I like him as a whole. I can definitely see myself involved with him, more than just a hook up. He felt that, too, I'm sure, or he wouldn't ever told me he didn't want to see me again right before I leave because he didn't want to get super connected with me. It's a risk he wasn't willing to take, and I get him, but at the same time I cannot help thinking he was a fool. He played it safe. He was protecting his heart, I think. He didn't want to get hurt because I'm sure someone hurt him before. I wouldn't be surprised if it happened right before I met him.

Last night I found Brian's facebook by accident. I wasn't expecting his name to show up on my list. I didn't know what to think. I reacted like a teenage girl. All those old emotions showed up after being M.I.A. for a while, and it was just like last summer. Suddenly I found myself infatuated again. Picture after picture, I only thought about his kissing and sex; the few nights we spend together and our chatting on the backyard, smoking and talking about life. I later read he moved to Chicago. I felt sad. I felt hopeless. Not that I had hope before, but now it was a certain thing I will never see him again. Why did I find myself thinking about Brian again, when he was an asshole? I will never understand him, but I'm waiting his reply as facebook buddy. Can I say epic fail?

It doesn't mean I stopped thinking about Dave, though. Well, I did, until the very next day he posted a pic of himself scuba diving in the Galapagos. I went "Aww" and suddenly it was all about Dave again. I'm such a mess when it comes to guys. And don't even get me started on venezuelan guys. What is wrong with them? By living in a country where sex is still taboo, it's no wonder why society is stucked on hypocrite-based way of living ideals that aren't relevant anymore to the new generation.

There's a pattern that seems to be chasing me. I've liked few guys in my life, and I think I can name them all... Axl, Brian, Dave....I'm sure I've liked others, but those are the ones who I've felt connected with. Now that I realize it, they ended for "leaving the country/town" reasons, whether it was me or them. They were never real relationships, though. So I don't know what to think about that.

I think I'm back for good this time...but I don't know. We'll see

Style Mood: Tan Swimmer

H&M Short

Hollister (I think) Tee

what happened?!

Seriously, tonight was fucked up. I had a stew of guys and flashbacks coming to me in a hour. I found the unexpected. This time, life surprised me. I saw Brian at the club. The club I go often. The one where my neighborhood is. What the fuck is he doing here?
I saw his hair and I recognized him, though it was impossible for me to believe. What is he doing there? I panicked. I stand there and suddenly I had to wake up. But it wasn't a dream. It was happening. He was there. I saw his friends. He looked so lively this time. Like he was having a good time. I thought about saying Hi, but we avoided each other. Such a bad sign. When you ignore someone it's because you don't even want that person to be there. You don't wanna even bother to say hi. It's a banned person in your mind.

I stood with my friend M. and we got inside. The music was loud. The place was crowded, but I was just thinking about him. It was the worst feeling, when you think you're over someone cause he's out of sight, but at the moment you see him, your chest just get full of pain, heart explodes and beats faster. The adrenaline is running through your veins. After my friend left and didn't come back, I decided to leave as well, but not without a cigarrette first. I needed to drain my emotions for a bit. When I thought the night couldn't get weirder, I bumped into E. mourning in a club. Fair much? No. Hypocrite much? Yes. "I'm with a friend" he said, "I'm holding his jacket". Great to see you, E.

I opened that exit door and just when I'm about to look for someone for a cigarrette, B. is standing right there in front of me, against the wall. I ignored him again. I know he saw me, and if he wanted to say hi, he just would've had approached. I was dying to, but I wasn't going to take the first step. After stealing a cigarrette to some creeper, I started smoking my dignity and what was left of my self esteem. After a few drags I saw E. again on the middle of the intersection, I assumed he was looking for a cab. After asking him if he needed any help, we just stayed there for a long minute, taking about nothing and I left. We didn't say goodbye. I thought my silence to his text messages last weekend was obvious. B. wasn't there anymore.

Let's see...

No B., no D., no E. No nothing.

Their presence represented a brief summary of my life in Boston, THANK YOU C.C. I didn't know I could be able to revisit so many emotions in such a short period of time.

Mood Style: WTF
Sweater: Diesel
Boots: Dr. Martens
Jeans: H&M
Tee. Abercrombie and Fitch
Jacket: Zolo Jeans


Peace

I keep on Fall-in

Mood. Fall
Sunglases: Aldo
Knitwear: Allsaints
Jeans: H&M
Shoes: Vans
Tee: Allsaints


Peace

ignorance is bliss

Everyone is prejudice. That is a fact that has probably existed from the moment we started to "have" and "be" something, either for your appareance,, your car (or lack of), your social status, or whatever is obvious to any of your senses at the very first meeting. Our educated instinct always tell us what is good and what is bad because our concerned parents always took care of us in a way that nothing or anyone would harm us, or worse, our reputation. So through the years, we learned different things about life and while growing up, we always saw glimpses of the real world, which means, they pretty much hid the majority of it. I get it, we, as kids, need to be protected from the cruel world that is outside and make sure we would be able to follow the path they want us to follow so they could be proud when we become sucessful adults. In short words, they want us to be perfect.

But as a result, most kids become ignorants. While pursuing their parent's dreams, they become unaware of how many different people exist not only in the world, but even in their own city. For me it's unbearable that with all the technology, information and social changes happening in the world, they still stick to their narrow-minded one. I cannot believe that for them anyone who doesn't appear normal o perfect (whether it's race, sexual orientation, religion, disability, etcetera), is reason enough to discard her/him. Everyone has not one, not two, not three but several flaws. Some of the imperfections people might have, it's not because it was their fault. As cliché as it might sounds, those "flaws" are what make someone different from the rest. And different IS good. However, they cannot be called "flaws" because the real ones for me comes from within, those behavior patterns adquired from parents or even stupider people they hang out with that only get the worse of them. You should seriously look yourserlf in the mirror. You might see things, flaws, that I'm sure you would want to change.

strange encounters with the not so strange, part II

What was supposed to be a weird dinner with L. and A., ended up being weirder than I expected.

As soon as A. and L. got to my place, I had to announce them we had a new guest for dinner. It was J., my neighbor. He's got a huge crush on my friend A., and as soon I nervously said that she was coming with me and L. he didn't think twice and he self invited to go out with us. I couldn't say no. He's such a nice guy and so friendly. And actually I didn't think it was going to be a problem. We were all friends...right? If this was a Tv show, I'm sure each of us would have a voiceover all night long, trying to figure out what to do with our thoughts while talking and acting. I'm sure it would be quite the sitcom; J. trying to approach A. romantically and hitting on her while A. try to avoid the signs and act like nothing was happening; L. was trying to flirt with me while I was trying to figure out what to do with everybody. I'm one of those who want friends to have fun, but tonight I just wanted to go through with it. We were all on different pages.

We went to Orinoco, a lovely little venezuelan restaurant near my place and I definitely felt like home: good food, bad service and lots of venezuelan slangs. J. was a little confused, and although his spanish is perfect, it's Spain's spanish, which is different. L. was meeting the three of us for the first time, so I'm sure he was kind of confused as well. A. and I were sitting in front of each other talking and sharing our delicious dish. Her sharped tongue was necessary tonight. Thank God for her.

After paying, we left the place and walked back to my place. A. smartly left first and said goodbye, kind of leaving J. hanging on. I feel so bad for him. He's my friend and he likes her a lot. Still can't find a way to let him know she's not interested and that she's seeing someone else.

The rest of us sat on the steps outside, enjoying the nice weather and talked for a while. I know L. wanted him to leave. I could feel it in my bones. I don't smoke cigarrettes, but I asked L. for one. I felt a little better. J. finally left (he didn't seem to understand at all that we wanted to talk alone for a while) and I swear I could see a breath of relief coming from L.'s mouth. We talked a little bit about our personal lives..what was obvious and was not...you know, trivial not-so-trival things and we started to get cold, so we went upstairs to my room. He's a wealthy momma's boy, so he didn't seem impressed with my room, though he said he liked it. I didn't care if he liked it or not.

He sat on the bed and we kept having a getting-to-know-each-other kind of conversation. I felt tempted to bring a subject that had been running through my mind all night. His dead girlfriend and my childhood friend. But I couldn't. I didn't want to make my night weirder. But I failed. After hitting on me, I told him it was time to leave, and that he was going to lose the Train if he didn't hurry up. He didn't seem to care because he grabbed me and kissed me.

I think there's something off about him, though he was sweet, he said the most random things like: "I like you" and "I haven't gotten some in 2 months". I know it sounds prejudgmental, but every single detail about him plains bizarre for me. Or maybe it's me? Maybe is his dead girlfiend? Whatever this is, I'm not ready. He left and talked about meeting up again. L. is sweet and mannered, but something's off.

Whatever, this night was strange.

Peace

strange encounters with the not so strange

Have you ever feel in the middle of an awkward situation? I don't mean it in a bad way...sometimes they can end up being better than you expected. Not sure if this is the case, though.

My friend AF from Venezuela texted me and said she had someone for me in Boston that wanted to meet me. It surprised me because I'm pretty sure I know almost every venezuelan here. His name was L. She wasted no time in saying what he supposedly think of me, saying he found me very handsome. I don't know why, but it's like a bump to my ego everytime I hear someone saying something like that, especially coming from a guy I don't know; it kind of makes me like him immediatly. Well, that was until she sent me his pictures and, of course I was right. I knew him. I'd seen him in Boston before. But that didn't stop the shock.

L. is a very well known guy among fancy people from my hometown. He comes from a wealthy family and I heard a rumor from a close source to him that he was gay. I remember being shocked with the news because he had a very public relationship with a girl for like, 2 years. But she wasn't any girl. She was my friend from elementary school. But that's not the shocking part. The thing is, she's dead. She, along with 4 friends, died in a terrible car accident I won't even bother to talk about, nor remember. I reckon seeing him crying and mourning over his dead girflriend.

Now, the weird part.

He added me to his BBMSN, and he started asking me these trivial questions about my life in Boston and what I had been up to since I got here. Then, he asked me about my plans for tonight. I already had plans with my friend A to go dinner. So, I came up with this great idea (at least on paper) about getting together the three of us for dinner, so I won't be alone with him, yet remain friendly. What am I gonna talk to him about? I can't get over the fact that he was boyfriend with a girl that was my friend and now is dead. I'm thinking that her death might have made him realize how short life is and decided to come out. I don't think he's come out completely, but oh well. Who am I to judge him over that? Is even fair to not being able to get over that fact?

Anyway, it's 7:14 pm and dinner is at 8:30 pm. I gotta get ready. Not for dress, but for conversation subjects. Thank God for my little crazy friend A, whose tongue is sharper than butcher's knife.

Peace

Mood Style: Iffy
Tee: Zara
Jeans: H&M
Shoes: Quicksilver
Jacket: Members Only
Necklace: Aldo