Six months in the U.S.A. sure have had caused an impact on me. Ever since I´m in Boston, I'd waited for my life to change in a 360° degrees way. Instead, I still feel the same way. Well, I wouldn't say exactly the same but I realize that I, as venezuelan, am not that different from americans, neither alike.
I really had thought that by now, I would have a partner I'd be deeply, madly, crazy in love with. That the kind of person I'd always seen in movies and tv shows would be fascinated by me. It almost happened, so I believe. But I don't wanna talk about that (B. moved back to Gloucester. Period. End of Story).
In six months I've been able to improve my english, which had led me to meet many different people and, why not, to get into some intimate random hook ups, some more or less memorable than others. At this point, however, I'm still trying to figure out what have really changed in my life. One thing I'm sure it did, my perspective on them. I've practically forced myself to low down my expectations. In fact, I should have zero of it. Some friends tried to warn me. But I guess I had to see it for myself. They indeed are nice people. Highly educated and some of them very inteligent. After the first meeting, though, there's nothing left to say. Literally, I never get to see them again. Why? I don't know.
I wonder, what's the point in being nice, kind, and gentle? Why do they bother in saying tons of compliments when they actually don't care about a next time?. I've been fooled. Hollywood fooled me. Shame on you.
I feel emotionally stucked. People come and go. They do come and go like money flying out of the hands. Such unstabilty has made me wonder what do people see in me, before and after. What changes after the first meeting? I have the feeling that once the fun it's over, I'll have nothing to hang on to. Yes, I have my friends, and I love them, but for my whole life I've had this hole in my heart no one has been able to fulfill.
I'm trying to figure out my mission here. All I can think of is to watch and learn. To be an spectator. To live like I were some kind of omnipresence. Perhaps I'm not ready for what I'm looking for. After years of analyzing, I've come to think that Life wants to me to be surprised and to expect the unexpected. No tricks this time. No guesses.
I can't wait.